Evaluation of my university project and feeling Back-to-Black.
Uncertainty and mystery are energies of life. Don't let them scare you unduly, for they keep boredom at bay and spark creativity.
– R. I. Fitzhenry
Uncertainty and mystery are the two ingredients which are leading my current existence as human beign. I am not going to lie, the lockdown proved to be one of the most challenging time in my entire life. I have been on my own since end of February and I have spent a lot of time thinking, reflecting, procrastinating and wondering. Wondering in the deepest insecurities of my mind, of my soul, as a whole.
I made peace and understood that the little fragile me was actually a powerful young shaman who was used to travel between worlds and connect to the spirits of those realms.
I realised that Catholic and standard education moulded my mind and my perceptions in order to inhibit my native skills and shaping me to one of the many humans who think, act and live following leaders, trends and seasonal streams of thoughts.
And this is the point - a turning point, where I have days where I know exactly where I want to go, and other days where it feels like I lost all my senses.
I am (re)discovering old skills, as well as new ones, and in the process I do feel overwhelmed. I am questioning everything. I am questioning also why I decided to enter Central Saint Martins. Was it my ego? Was me being rejected twice, so it was like a personal challenge? Or was for that Status Quo? I have days I am actually hating myself for doing this. This diary, admitting a failure, a self failure of staring to get to know me better to then, all of the sudden, get completely lost and feel back to square one. Hating myself to keep failing, getting rejected by stockholders, getting ignored because I am no one and I feel I have no voice, when I would like to be the Voice for people. Maybe today is just a negative day, or as I like to say it, today was a day where black ruled.
Or maybe is because, after all, my spirit is more fragile than I like to admit, and the virus, the climate, the racists episodes, the fellas cunts that we have at head of our nations are hitting me hard as never before. I feel the pressure for my next assignment deadline approaching in two days.
And I feel not ready, I feel I have nothing to give. - I feel back to black.