Question to myself.
Updated: Apr 26, 2021
I am tired of failures, I am tired of chasing people. I am tired of many things. The carelessness of some of my clients, the silences, the inconsistent presence of communication. There are so many reasons they are currently pushing me to quit. But quit what? University? Or one of my two businesses?
I genuinely feel very disappointed about how things went in the past few weeks. I have been blessed to get some amazing clients and I have been working remotely with the UK as a Designer/Art Director from the comfort of a beautiful home in Italy, but I had so many stepbacks from the stakeholders and my other business as a personal trainer.
This is a very vulnerable post. I have felt very alone on my path for a long time now.
Huge disclaimer that this isn’t about any person or incident, in particular, I’m simultaneously processing grief and holding gratitude for what I do have and those that do show up for me. I still absolutely have an undying passion for my work but I have been increasingly feeling unsupported by it. And frankly, I’m struggling with how to offer support to others. I’m feeling unneeded as a creative and a trainer as well as a human.
I know we all had to switch gears this year, get creative to support ourselves. We are all feeling isolated and disconnected. But I am truly burning out. I’m wondering if I have any gifts to offer this hurting world anymore. I haven’t taught in person in a year and a half, I’m no longer getting client calls, I’m struggling to fill my first ever workshop. I’ve put hundreds of hours into writing workouts, recipes and creating classes online each month that very few people even know exists.
I’m putting in 60 hour work weeks, most of which is behind a computer, all of which is alone, to try to sell enough hours of training or design skills to make ends meet.
I’m sinking so much time into the content I create online because I’m not growing, moving, or making ends meet yet I really can’t keep putting this level of energy in.
It’s making me question whether I’m simply not good at this, at being a creative and a trainer. I feel this so frequently that I’ve decided I need to face that possibility. And that’s ok. I need to be honest about it. With myself. I can’t keep feeling this stuck, this uncertain.
Something either needs to shift or I need to shift it. I’ve been wading through the muck of it for so long. I’ve been afraid to ask that question because I truly don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t do this but I’m ready to find out.
I am feeling unseen by other fitness people and the community as a whole who insist that wellbeing should be free and accessible to all (which I agree with I just don’t know how to really execute it) so they are offering their content for free or their classes for less and their products at steeper discounts and I’m going to bed in tears because I simply cannot afford to offer any more for any less and still pay my phone bill.
I am feeling resentful that no matter how much I’ve tried to make connections within this community, it is just not happening. And truly longing for just one other fitness trainer friend with who I can share these painful thoughts. Or a mentor. God, what I’d give for a mentor or a work partner. More and more it feels like the energy I’m putting out in the world isn’t being received and what I’m creating isn’t being valued and I don’t know what that means or if that’s even the truth or if it’s in my head. All I know is that I am pouring out far more energy than I am feeling returned. I have so much to say, teach, share, create, and such a ridiculous amount of joy and respect for the well-being path.
I am questioning if perhaps this is not my path. I am wondering if I’ve let others down. If I’ve let my fitness community down. If I even have a community. Right now I’m uncertain what the earth is asking of me and I need to take a step back and reassess. I’m not making any major decisions at the moment or canceling any future projects or classes but I am stepping back.
I’m not going to put so much energy into it and just try to trust that what I’ve already built is enough. Or trust that it isn’t. I’m not giving up yet and I’m not really looking for answers either, I know I need to find my own, but I did want to be transparent about what I’m going through because it’s very heavy. All of this to say, I don’t know how to share this anymore so I’m going to the woods until I can find my way again.